How to get a tab separated .txt file of events into Google Calendar

1. Open .txt file in Notepad.
2. Add first line with column headers: Start Date TAB End Date TAB etc.
3. Find/Replace the weird apostrophes that have turned into 'O's with squiggles
4. Save
5. Open Outlook.
6. Import .txt (DOS) file, preferably into a blank calendar
7. Export from Outlook to .csv file
8. Upload .csv file to Google Calendar.
9. Regret not having read these instructions four hours ago.